Running for President

I hope I’m not too late. This week I’d like to announce my candidacy for President of the United States.

I think I have an economic plan that will save the country from its impending doom. As president, my first act will be to outlaw bulldozers. Yes, bulldozers.

I’m not sure why bulldozers have been allowed in the United States for so long. But it’s time to put a stop to their destructive effects.

How do bulldozers hurt America? My guess is that a single bulldozer can do the work of at least one hundred people. So my plan is to replace every bulldozer with a hundred Americans with shovels.

Not only will this plan create thousands of shoveling jobs, it will also stimulate the demand for shovels, work gloves, massage therapy, and Band-Aids. I can’t believe no one else has thought of this.

So where did this brilliant plan come from? I was inspired by the other presidential candidates’ visits to South Carolina. When politicians visit South Carolina, they usually talk about the textile jobs that have moved overseas. They usually have some sort of plan to protect American jobs. Some politicians want to punish companies for moving jobs overseas.

These politicians are misguided, of course, because technological advances (like bulldozers, sewing machines, and computers) have taken many more American jobs than overseas relocation. So if we really want to save American jobs, we should focus on the biggest culprit and do everything we can to stifle innovation.

If you haven’t guessed by now, I don’t really believe that we should outlaw innovation. Instead, I think this argument refutes the idea that the government should protect American jobs by punishing companies who move jobs overseas.

This is a sensitive topic, especially in Cookeville. But we can’t really blame the companies. Companies that don’t increase efficiency will be shut down by companies (in the US or abroad) that do.

Personally, I’ve always thought that the US would be better off without the jobs that can be done by 12 year-old Sri Lankans. For every one of these jobs that America loses, that means that one more American brain becomes available to design, create, and innovate.

When I look back at my family’s history, they were all farmers until the early 1900s. In fact, about forty percent of Americans were farmers around the turn of the century. Now, because of technological innovations, less than two percent of the US working population is employed in farming. Thank God for innovation! Without these advances I would probably be following a team of donkeys with a plow this morning instead of enjoying my coffee and reading the Herald-Citizen.

Manufacturing may be following the same path as farming. Would that really be so bad? It sounds bad because most people (including me) are afraid of change and uncertainty.

But as our reliance on farming decreased, people learned new skills and ultimately increased their standard of living. It’s time once again for Americans to learn new skills. These new skills will likely require greater educational efforts in math, science, creativity, and entrepreneurship.

I’m guessing that neither banning bulldozers nor sending more jobs to Sri Lanka will help me get elected. But I’ve got as much chance of winning as Mike Gravel, so campaign donations will be happily accepted.